


cursing my name, wishing i'd stayed

by dyscnia



Series: champagne problems [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, F/F, Lots of regrets, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Not Beta Read, Taylor Swift inspired, i forgot how to tag things lol, idk i hit writers block halfway thru, inspired by my tears ricochet by taylor swift, its been two years since the last part, reader starts a monologue, tbh i never check my fics lol, uhh insert emotional crying ???? and regrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:43:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29759136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dyscnia/pseuds/dyscnia
Summary: in which an old love returns but not the way you wanted. inspired by the line "cause i loved you, i swear i loved you til my dying days" except you might have taken it quite literally.
Relationships: Natasha Romanov (Marvel)/Reader
Series: champagne problems [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2180622
Kudos: 29





	cursing my name, wishing i'd stayed

**Author's Note:**

> hihi i hit writers block halfway thru writing this but hopefully it makes sense i just wanted to finish this part. hopefully part 4 is better bc i have. Plans for how this is going to end but also i'm crying over wandavision ending next week lol

It's been two years since you watched the love of your life leave. Two whole years since you last saw the woman who took your heart with her. Sometimes you swore that she was still there; you'd see a flash of red, so similar to her hair, disappear from the corner of your eye and once you thought you'd locked eyes with someone who had the same shade of green as hers but then they were gone the second you realized. You couldn't lie - Natasha haunted you like a stolen lullaby that echoed throughout the air, following you even on your worst days.

Somedays, you'd see her on the news whenever the media could catch the Avengers in action. Those days, you tried your best to avoid going online. Those days, you tended to stay inside, in the safety of your bed, to avoid chatter of the Black Widow and her flaming red hair. Or was it blonde now? You'd heard a rumor of how Natasha had dyed her hair to a platinum blonde but you had hurried off the minute you had realized who they were talking about.

Today seemed like an exceptionally bad day for you; every single person you had passed on the way to work seemed to be talking about the Avengers, or at least one of them. You'd heard whispers of near defeat and injury - which greatly worried you. However, it seemed as if every time you heard the word "injured," her name would soon follow, so you never stuck around to figure out what had happened. Of course, that didn't stop you from worrying about her. Seeing Steve outside of your workplace with a sullen look on his face didn't help stop the worry either, especially not when he just wordlessly took your hand and led you to the direction of the tower.

"Steve? What's going on? Are you ok? Did someone get hurt?" You pestered him with question after question, only to be faced with an apologetic silence. You hadn't seen him since you'd last been at the tower to say goodbye to everyone. You hadn't even heard from him either - the only people you'd kept in contact with were Wanda, Bucky, and Sam. "Steve, please tell me what's going on, I don't particularly like being dragged away for no reason."

You heard the older man sigh before he slowed down to walk beside you, letting go of your hand. "Nat's been injured and we don't - I don't know if she'll make it. I know you guys aren't on the best of terms, but I thought you might want to see her, but I also understand if you don't want to."

Your voice seemingly disappeared, the words you meant to say catching themselves in your throat. You could only look at him, attempting to push back the tears, before running forward, Steve right behind you.

\---

Seeing Natasha sleeping on a hospital bed with tubes attached to her and bandages wrapping up invisible blood and bruises made you freeze at the door. Was she sleeping or in a coma? You didn't know but you'd never seen her look so small and unguarded, not even when the two of you had been together. She'd always been the type to have her walls up all day, even around you. It had irritated you at first before you had come to the realization that she had kept her walls up to protect you, not to keep you out.

Now, you could only stare at her small form as Steve led you to sit on a chair beside her bed. From the corner of your vision, you watched him leave, but you still couldn't bring yourself to say anything to him. It was as if you were in a trance, your only focus on Natasha. Reaching out, you softly grabbed her hand, running your thumb against the back of her hand. Natasha looked so peaceful, almost angelic with her red-blonde hair encircling her. It shook you to see your ex like this - even when she'd been a huge part of your life, it was always rare to see her look at peace.

"Hi Nat," You whisper, moving closer to her and giving her hand a little squeeze. The redhead didn't move, deep in a comatose-like sleep. "You know, I never thought I'd see you again, especially with how we ended things. I guess fate has funny ways of pushing us back together, no matter how much we try to go against it."

You give off a light laugh, reaching up with your other hand to push a stray hair away from her face. "You look so peaceful right now. If you could only see yourself, I just know you'd hate how unguarded you look. You'd probably say something about how defenseless and stupid you look. It's ok though, you're safe."

Suddenly, it was as if a force crashed down on you making you overly aware of what you were doing. Your hand holding Natasha's with your other hand on her face. A passerby might say it looked seemingly domestic - too painfully domestic for two exes meeting for the first time in two years. You sigh, dropping her hand and moving away from your ex-girlfriend. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm here. Steve just, he just showed up outside of work today and I guess my attempt to move on from you these past 2 years suddenly went down the drain. God, why am I still talking? You can't even hear me. I'm so stupid, I'm just - I should just go, I'm sorry."

You stand up, your heart racing for some godforsaken reason. Making your way to the door, something inside you made you pause and turn back to watch her still body rise and fall with each breath she took. Seeing her breathe seemed to have broken something inside you and you moved back to your previous position, except you stayed standing and far enough that you wouldn't be tempted to touch her.

"God, why'd you have to get hurt, Natasha? You know better than anyone what you can take. I don't know what happened, but you need to take better care of yourself," You pause, stifling a sob and wrapping your arms around yourself. "You deserve love too, and I know you think you aren't deserving of love or some bullshit like that, but we would've made it work, you know? You used to tell me I was brave, for being with you, for risking my life by dating an Avenger. But I think being with you was what made me brave - you made me feel safe, like nothing else mattered. I loved you. *Love.* I still do, and it hurts me to see you like this. You know, sometimes I wish I asked you to stay that day - everyday I curse myself for letting you go. Somedays I swear I still feel like you're around, like your ghost is with me, haunting me."

You let out a grim laugh, shaking your head. Moving away from her, finally ready to leave, you can't help but finish what you were planning to say. "I'm sorry, I'm here complaining about you leaving when you're quite literally on your death bed. I wish I could go back and change things, but I can't. I wish I could go back to coming home to you, but I can't. I hope you recover, Nat. I miss you."

"I cursed at myself too, you know. For not staying. Every single day, I wish I'd stayed there with you," A small voice makes you freeze in your tracks before you turn around, Natasha's green eyes locking into yours. "But I got scared. I loved you too much, I was ready to leave everything behind to have a life with you, and it scared me so I left."


End file.
